By wisdom a house is built,
and through understanding it is established;
through knowledge its rooms are filled
with rare and beautiful treasures.
“Hello?” I spoke into the receiver
“We need to talk” he said from the other end and immediately my heart sank. I knew this day would come, just didn’t think it would be this soon. I had been having a bad feeling all week, now I knew why.
“Ok, shoot” I said, masking my fear by trying to sound casual
“Are you alone?” He asked
“Yes” I said. It was 10pm and I was alone in my room watching a movie on tv.
“Good.” He took a deep breath before continuing “I can’t do this anymore Ugochi. I still love you dearly but I just can’t go on”
“What?! Why?! And why are you telling me this over the freaking phone?” I asked on the brink of anger and shock
“I’m afraid of what you might do to me if you found out the truth” he said slowly, letting each word sink in
“Afraid? Of me? Have I ever beat you up for speaking your mind before? The truth? I’m thinking that’s the answer to the why isn’t it?” I asked, this time making a real effort to control my anger. That was all I felt. Indignation actually. I know I had anger issues but did that mean I deserved this kind of disrespect? Being told such huge news over the phone. Maybe he didn’t want to see me and change his mind, therefore he wanted the cut to be clean and quick. Coward! I thought to myself, taking the easy way out. I was really angry now, really angry
“I’m seeing someone else Ug” he said weakly. Ug was his pet name for me
“Don’t you dare call me that right now” I yelled reaching boiling point. I didn’t care if the whole house woke up I was seeing red at that moment. Not only was my boyfriend of one year breaking up with me on the phone at 10pm in the night because he was too chicken shit to do it in person, but the reason was because he was seeing someone else.
“How long has this been going on?” I asked after a while, reducing my voice but my tone was cold as ice, now I really wanted to get my hands on him and do some damage. I stopped that line of thought mid-way and realized why he was so scared of me. One time we got into an argument at his house and i slapped him and continued to hit him and throw stuff at him trying to provoke him to retaliate so we’d have an even bigger fight but he didn’t harm a hair on my head or say anything, instead he went to his room and slept off, leaving me with no choice but to join him.
We made up the next day but he’d always feared me since then and our relationship from that point on ceased to be what it once was. He was a proper gentleman and hated conflict and heated arguments, he was rational and his thought process logical, I was the exact opposite. Always starting something, I loved noise, I lived for the fights too because not only did he express his real feelings during them, the make-up *ahem* was always always great. I guess he’d finally gotten enough. I sighed sadly.
“3 months” he said
“Wow! 3 whole months? Why did you still stay till now then?” I asked sadly, my emotions swung from one negative extreme – anger to another – sadness bordering on depression. I was bipolar too. Erratic moods came with the package.
“Because I was afraid of you. You’re a bully and a control freak, you’re selfish and boss me around, I’m not a man when I’m with you, you don’t respect me you never have. I’ve wanted to leave for a long time but I didn’t want to start all over with another woman from scratch so I stayed hoping you’d become nicer and more loving if I kept loving you the way all women deserve.
But alas! That was not going to happen. I almost gave up when I met Anne. We started as friends but the more I spoke to her the more I realized I was slowly falling in love with her because she’s everything you’re not. At first I fought the feeling because I’d never been unfaithful to you but things got worse and I locked you out emotionally and focused on Anne instead building on our friendship, but you were so self absorbed you didn’t even notice till now. I’m leaving and I owe it to you to tell you why. You are beautiful and intelligent but you’re not for me. I hope you find a good man, and soon too. Goodbye” he said and hung up
I felt like a train had just hit me. I was stunned and hurt. He was wrong about one thing though, I HAD noticed but I was too proud to enquire why things had changed. I knew I had issues but I didn’t know they were this bad. I had no idea I had made andrew so unhappy. I rarely cry, but that night I cried till morning. And when I wiped my tears and finally stopped at 5am, I knew what I must do to stop this from happening again.
That was 8 months ago. I sighed as I listened to “Relentless” by Hillsong and chewed mindlessly on my thumb nail as I scrolled through my TL with my free hand on my phone. I had spent the better part of my day engrossed in a book; Jane Eyre. Now I wanted to unwind with music and gossip, so I went to twitter. It had the right mix of news, humorous banter, wise sayings, and twit fights. Social media’s very own Jerry Springer show really.
I kept scrolling and several tweets caught my eye. I retweeted some, favourited the rest and followed some new people. I was about to log out when one last tweet caught my eye, from the avatar it was a “He” and his words were deep so I followed and closed the app, then went back to reading.
Just before bedtime, I began to muse, as was my custom.
“Why do people fall out of love?”
“Were they never truly in love or were they just so emotionally drained they had nothing left to give?”
“Who or what is the standard for measuring the depth or authenticity of a person’s claim of love?”
“Is there a wrong or right way to show love or is it relative and culture specific?”
I had some answers, but tonight I was merely content to ponder these thoughts quietly.
Love had always fascinated me yet managed to elude me somehow. Sure I’d gotten bits and pieces of it but nothing tangible or life changing. But I knew instinctively that it is a powerful force like nuclear energy. It is a double edged sword. It is delicate yet strong. It is an enigma yet simple. The good Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of cupid’s arrows and sob stories, so I decided to do something I’ve never thought to do before now- stay single, acquire knowledge and invest heavily in my spiritual, mental and emotional growth. In a nut shell, become the person I’m looking to fall in love with again. Was it working? I don’t know and there’s really only one way to find out.
A few weeks later I got my chance. I received a DM that changed the trajectory of my life forever…
To be continued……